The prisoner of azkaban of haruhi suzumiya
by sammisu
Summary: Harry, ron, and hermione are starting there 3rd year at hogwarts, and they find out there is a new student- haruhi suzumiya!
1. Chapter 1

The prisoner of Azkaban of haruhi suzumiya Episode 1

Harry wakes up, ready to go to the sos brigade, but then remembers "But I need to go to hogwarts. School started again. Dangit." Harry gets out of his bed, changes into his day clothes, and goes downstairs preparing to be yelled at by Vernon, his uncle. And man was he right. "Harry…." Began Vernon. Harry interrupted him by saying "Yeah I know aunt marge is coming over soon and I have to be on my best behavior or else. Look, pretty soon im gonna go to my room and find that an owl or whatever has given me a letter, so im gonna go up now and read it." Harry goes back upstairs and sits on his bed, and finds that 3 owls came to his house. "Yeah yeah I know." Began harry "I have a gift from Hermione and ron. It's a broom servicing kit and a box of candy. Harry opens his box. And ignores the letter from Hermione because he already knows what it says. Okay I got my junk so I can just go downstairs and wait for Vernon to yell at me." Harry goes down stairs… again. "Anything else?" said harry, walking to the fridge to get some rotton cheese for breakfast. "You need to go out and buy groceries by the way. We are almost starving to death so yeah…" "Any second now… aunt marge is going to come…" Harry pushes Dudley in front of the door. Dudley gets up and cries to Vernon "Daddy! Harry pushed me!!!!" Harry sits by himself on the couch, angry face, fake tears in his eyes… Vernon just walks out of the living room. Harry is ecstatic about it, and gets even happier remembering school starts TOMMOROW, not today. He goes back upstairs again, and isn't even annoyed he went up and down so many times. He puts on his brigade uniform, and walks out the door. He walks to the sos brigade, opens the door, and goes into the bulding. "Laaaa deee daaaaa…." However, harry finds out nobody is there. "Hmm… okay…" says harry. He decides to stay in the clubroom, because he knows aunt marge is coming to his house. He sits there and pulls out "Harry potter and the prisoner of Azkaban" And starts to read it. Harry puts down the book and goes back home. He sits on the couch extremely angry, annoyed, and bored. "OH MY GOD IM SO BORED!!!" says harry, extremely upset. Harry has a light bulb above his head a few minutes later, and he laughs. "I will go search Hermione on google!" said harry to himself, going to the computer in the dining room and searching Hermione on google. He gets a picture of her "enjoying a beer!?" says harry, closing the window. He goes downstairs, to the phone, and calls Hermione. She never called him, but yuki told harry that Hermione's number was XXX-XXXX (I censored her phone number because I don't want perverts calling her and molesting her) "Hermione, your drinking beer! You do alcohol. I saw it on google! What were you thinking?!" Hermione laughs "That's not me silly. I have no idea how the hell you found that picture, but that's not me. That doesn't even look like me. Its obviously a faker. Are you retarded? I saw that picture, of the bitch impersonating me...." Harry smiles "Well of course, I just couldn't believe it was you so I decided to ask you. But I believe you Hermione…." Hermione hangs up on him by accident. She drops the phone. "Hermione? What the fuck? Don't hang up on me!!!" said harry. He threw the phone not hard enough for it to break don't worry


	2. diagon alley

The prisoner of Azkaban of haruhi suzumiya Episode 2

Harry runs to the phone to make sure he didn't break it. He looks at it relieved that its fine. He is super bored so he just walks into the kitchen, into the living room, and into the bathroom without using the bathroom. In the bathroom, he sees some floo powder, and picks it up. "What the heck? I wonder how this got here." He poors it over his head as he says "DIAGON ALLEY!" Now he is in some street, and he sees Hermione and ron walking over to the store to buy supplies. He runs to them and says "Hey guys! I brought the picture Hermione." He shows Hermione the picture and she takes it out of his hand and rips it up. Harry looks at it with wide eyes. "WAIT HERMIONE I DREW MIKURU AS A CAT GIRL ON THE BACK OF THE PAPER!" Hermione takes out her wand and points it at the paper, saying "Oh sorry harry Migreerie timer eerie." Now Hermione turned back time, and now harry sees Hermione and ron walking to the store to buy there supplies. He walks over to them and says "Thanks for fixing it Hermione. Hi ron, did you get your supplies yet? I can see you did Hermione…" Harry sees that Hermione is carrying a bag full of stuff in her arms. "Well now that we have everything fixed we can go buy supplies!" says harry as his phone starts to ring. He picks it up. "Hello? WHAT?! Haruhi? Hi. Why weren't you at the sos brigade meeting?" Hermione and ron hear what haruhi is saying since she talks loudly all the time. She is saying "Hi harry. Yes its me haruhi and I wasn't at the sos brigade meeting because I couldn't figure out what to wear." Harry looks at the phone as if its haruhi and says "Then wear your uniform, gosh… why did you call?" Haruhi just forgot why she called, however mikuru reminds her by holding a supply bag full of magical items. So haruhi responds by saying "We went shopping for stuff for all the brigade members but some don't want there things. And we have lots of magical items so you don't have to waste time looking for them in diagon alley. That's wear you are and I know it because I read…." Harry interrupts her "Wow haruhi!" The gets off the phone and says to Hermione and ron "GUYS! HARUHI BOUGHT SUPPLIES AND SHE HAS TONS OF EXTRAS. WE DON'T NEED TO GO SHOPPING NOW!" Hermione and ron frown. "Oh crap, all that time wasted." Says ron looking at his bag of school supplies. Harry smiles and says "don't worry ron, its over now. Lets see…. Mikuru gave me a teleporter for my birthday. We can teleport to the sos brigade and pick up the stuff. Harry says "Sos brigade!" into the teleporter and he, Hermione, and ron teleport to the sos brigade. "See guys? Now we can get our…. Wait wears haruhi? Haruhi, if you're here, get the heck out of your hiding place." Hermione looks around the club room, under haruhi's desk, in the fridge, and finally says "I think shes at her house." Harry looks at her with a look that says "Thanks for the news flash captian obvious." Hermione gets slightly offended, but helps harry anyway by telling them haruhi's last name. "Its suzumiya. Haruhi suzumiya. If you just say haruhi's house in the teleporter it can take you to any girl named haruhi." The teleporter heard her say haruhi's last name and it teleports them to haruhi's house. Harry looks around haruhi's house. "Maybe her room is upstair-" Haruhi runs into the living room and hugs harry, ron and Hermione "Nuh uh, that's my sisters room upstairs. My room is downstairs." Harry, ron, and Hermione look at her with a surprised expression, and she ignores it and says "So guys, the stuff is in the living room." Haruhi walks into the living room and comes out with a bag full of magical stuff, and puts it in harry's arms. Haruhi looks out the window surprised "Its so late. You should go home guys." Harry ron, and Hermione walk home and go to sleep.


	3. misplaced

The prisoner of azkaban of haruhi suzumiya Episode 3

Harry wakes up… again. And gets out of his bed. He walks Down stairs and sees that his fucked up uncle got some new groceries. Harry eats some toast, and sees that his shithead aunt, fuckhead uncle, and son of a bitch cousin aren't awake yet. Harry walks out of the door, his stuff in his hand, and goes to the train station. "My breakfast sucked, but at least I can go to the sos brigade after school." Harry thought. When he got to the train station, he walked over the portal to platform 9 ¾, and ran in. Now he was on platform 9 ¾ aka Hogwarts express, and he walked to the opening of the train where he could go in. As he walked, he saw haruhi, walking with ron and Hermione, and harry got surprised, and said "Haruhi! You go to Hogwarts?" Haruhi smiled at him "I do now, that I got the letter." Harry smiled back, and he, ron, Hermione, and haruhi walked into the train. Haruhi, harry, ron, and Hermione sat in random seats next to each other, and haruhi sat next to harry. "Harry…." Said haruhi. "Did you get to the part with the death omens?" Harry's eyes widen "THE WHAT?!" said harry, so loud everyone on the train stopped talking. Haruhi smiled at him "The death omens, harry. But don't worry your not gonna die. But people are going to keep crying when they see you and it will probably be annoying. " Harry calmed down, and looked at Hermione. "But I did get to the part wear 3 of your classes start at the same time, Hermione-chan. 3 classes! And they all start at 9:00! What were you-" Haruhi interrupts harry by saying "Harry, I just thought I would let you know that there is gonna be a field trip to hogsmeade on October 16, and your aunt or uncle wont sighn the permission form. And if I didn't tell you, you would get a retarded idea to tell Miss McGonagall all about it. And then a teacher is gonna offer to forge the siggy." Harry smiles "Great. So if I don't tell Miss McGonagall, and I let This other teacher whoever he or she is forge Vernon's siggy on the permission form, I can go." Haruhi's smile gets wider. "Yes harry!" But then haruhi looks sad "But lavender's bunny, binky is gonna die right before the field trip!" Lavender heard haruhi say that, so she starts crying. And parvati tries to comfort her. Then the train stops and everybody gets out. Everyone goes into the building. The sorting ceremony begins, and a girl named tsuukin nagase goes up to put on the sorting hat. The sorting hat shouts Gryffindor, and tsuukin says "Finally!" and runs to the Gryffindor table. "Finally that fuckhead invited me to Hogwarts!" said Tsuukin. Hermione looks at tsuukin and says "Hey! Dumbledore is not a fuckhead! And why the hell are you here? Your not even a harry potter cha-" Haruhi suzumiya goes up to the sorting hat and puts it on. It shouts "SLYTHERIN" And haruhi walks to the slytherin table. Hermione holds tsuukin's hand "Im sorry tsuukin-chan. Your right, Dumbledore is a fuckhead." Hermione Stands up and shakes her fist at Dumbledore, and says "DUMBLEDORE YOU FUCKHEAD WHAT THE HELL WHERE YOU THINKING PUTTING HARUHI IN SLYTHERIN?!" Dumbledore turns around and looks at Hermione. "Its not my fault the sorting hat said so. Now siddown." Hermione sits back down and starts to cry, and her tears are dripping down the table.

End of episode 3


	4. harrychansdeathomens

The prisoner of Azkaban of haruhi suzumiya episode 4

Harry, ron, Hermione, and haruhi start walking to divination class. Harry looks at haruhi "Are you sure the other books weren't prequals?" haruhi laughs. "Harry, are you crazy? Of course there not. Unless last year you were doing something that had to do with a goblet of fire." Harry laughs again "Yeah I guess that question was stupid." Harry, ron, Hermione, and haruhi walk into divination class and sit next to each other. Haruhi looks at harry and says "Her name is professor Trelawney and shes going to tell you you will die this year." Harry listens to what haruhi said, remembers what he read in the book, and plugs his ears. Proffessor Trelawney walks up to the big desk in the room, pulls out some cups, and says "Class, our first lesson is on tea leaf reading." As she starts handing around cups, glasses of water, and tea bags. After they are all passed around, everyone pulls out there divination text book and Professor Trelawney goes back to her desk and says "Okay kids, open your books, get a partner, and turn to the tea leaf chapter. Then, make the tea and drink it, and look at-" Harry starts to talk with her in unison as they say "he leaves that are left. Then depending on the image you get you get a different fortune." Professor Trelawney realizes harry was talking and says "Excuse me, potter?" Harry says "Nothing, professor." And looks for a partner. He looks at ron and says "We can be partners." Haruhi decides to partner up with Hermione, and they open there text books and put the tea bags in the cup. They flip to the divination chapter and then poor water in there cups. Proffessor trelawny looks at Neville and says "When your cup breaks, I just thought I would let you know there are more on the shelf on the wall." Nevilles partner, yuki nagato, picks up his cup and holds it above the floor. Neville looks at her, and says "Wait…." Yuki turns back to him and says "The cup is going to break anyway, so we might as well get it over with." As she drops the cup and goes to the shelf to get a new one. She brings it back to Neville. Harry drinks his tea from his cup and there is a strange symbol at the bottom. Haruhi looks at it and says "Oh that's the grim." Haruhi stands on her desk and says "Proffessor! HE GOT THE GRIM!!!" Proffessor trelawny runs over to harry and looks at his cup, and screams. Yuki drops neville's cup on the floor again and runs over to get a new cup. When she is halfway to the table Neville is sitting at, she heard Proffessor trelawny yelling "NO NO DON'T ASK ME! NO ITS KINDER NOT TO SAY!!!" she collapses on a chair. Harry cant take it anymore with this death omen junk, he gets up and goes to yell at Proffessor trelawny. "LOOK YOU WACKO, THERE ARE LIKE 5 OTHER BOOKS ABOUT ME!! CALM DOWN! IM GONNA LIVE!" Proffessor stands up and says "But those books are books, you silly boy…." And walks out of the room crying.


	5. myrtleshardcoreincestporn

The prisoner of Azkaban of haruhi suzumiya episode 5

Haruhi gets up to walk to the sos brigade after a long day of magic and wizardry, as she passes a girl with pigtails. She stands in front of her and says "HEY YOUR FROM THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS! I TOTALLY KNOW YOU! YOUR NICKNAME IS MOANING MYRTLE, CORRECT?" The girl looks back at haruhi with a look of extreme delight on her face "And I totally know you. Wait…" Myrtle closes the book she was reading and runs away, but haruhi follows her and says "Wait, what are you reading?" Haruhi grabs the book and looks at the title, which reads " Haruhi suzumiya X harry potter porn" Haruhi looks at it, and her eyes widen. "MYRTLE, YOU PERVERT!" Myrtle runs away crying, hugging the book. A few hours later, she comes out and walks to haruhi. "I didn't know what porn was. That ravenclaw girl… Luna lovegood…" Haruhi smiles and says "oh her" and entwines her fingers, as she walks away. She marches to the ravenclaw towers, and sees Penelope Clearwater, and says "Hey Penelope, do you know where luna lovegood…" Penelope smiles at haruhi and says "Oh, miss suzumiya! I heard all about you from luna. And she accidently left open her diary once. And it said so many explicit sexual things about you. It warms my heart. And shes hanging out with draco by the way." Haruhi giggles, blushes, and marches to the slytherin tower, opens the door, and says "Draco! Luna! Hey luna I need to talk to you!" Luna turns to haruhi with a smile and says "HARUHI!" and she runs to her and holds her hands. Haruhi smiles at her and says "You gave porn to moaning myrtle, you pervert. Now lets take advantage of the fact that your… well actually before we can do anything like that you need to tell me who the hell gave you that hardcore porn of me and harry having sexorrz!" Luna looks at haruhi disappointed "You and harry did that? Im so jealous." Haruhi giggles and says "It was fanart actually" Luna turns around and points at snape, who just walked in, and she said "SNAPE DID IT SNAPES THE PERVERT WHO GAVE ME PRONZ PORN HARDORE PORN PORNOGRAPHY BLAH BLAH!!!!" Haruhi's eyes widen as she turns to snape. "Snape, your busted! You pervert!" Snape runs away crying to his mommy like a little girl, and haruhi gives luna a high 5. Luna goes extremely red, her eyes start shining, and she says "Haruhi! You gave me a high 5!" Haruhi responds by saying "Your right I did! And you can join the sos brigade!" And haruhi hugs luna. Luna faints.


	6. snape does the hare hare yukai

The prisoner of Azkaban of haruhi suzumiya episode 6

Snape walks into class, drunk again, with a video in one hand and a large mirror in the other. He smiles at the class and says "Okay kids, HERE IS SOME SESAME STREET WOOOO" as he throws the tape into the mirror and the movie starts playing, showing Dumbledore pacing, and saying "Fuck that shithead bitch fuck that piece of shit. Fuck shit fuck shit bitch. Wat I met Hermione's aunt who is a crackhead. She smokes crack and pot and she sucks dicks. Fuck you hermiones aunt, you whore." Snape trys to turn off the film, but instead its showing his wedding with miss hooch. "fuck this piece of shit!" says snape, trying to turn it off, but he presses a button on the mirror and it shows a video of his brother, severed, shaking his but in the camera. Snape shakes the mirror, saying a bunch of curse words, but it doesn't turn off, So snape just throws the mirror under his desk and starts to talk "So today were going to be making potions that fuck you…." As he fell on the mirror and everyone heard Moans, grunts, and sighs come out of the mirror's speaker. And snape went under his desk and started punching the mirror, saying "FUCK YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!! As he banged the mirror on the floor. Everyone snuck out of class, Hermione holding a camera. Haruhi snatched it out of her hand and said "ARE YOU CRAZY?!" Hermione took hold of the camera and saw snape coming out of the room, his hair sticking up everywear. Haruhi grabs snape arm. "Aw poor snape. Come to the sos brigade we will fix your hair." Hermione continues to record what is going on, as yuki catches up with them and looks at snape, and says "Guys, what happened?" as she continues to study snape. Haruhi smiled and said "Oh were taking him to the sos brigade to fix up his hair." When they arrive and go in the building, mikuru greets them. "Hello guys. What have we got here?" Haruhi sits snape down on an extra chair and turns to mikuru "Oh his hair messed up we must fix it. Snape-san cant go on like this. Yuki pulls out some hair styling tools, and harry looks at them and says "But nagato, we have MAGIC. We don't need this shit." Yuki chants "Mitsuko nekoya!" which is a japanese spell, and a portal opens up that is almost full with stuff. Yuki pulls out a spellbook and puts the hair tools in the portal, and opens the spellbook on the table. She flips the books and points to a spell, pulls out her wand, and points it to snape. Yuki chants "Hare Hare Yukai!" as snape's hair starts to grow and go blonde, like the hair of a little angel. Haruhi smiles at snape and says "PERFECT! YOU CAN GO NOW SNAPE!" as she pushes snape out of the room.

The next day at school, snape is looking proud of himself for getting his hair styled by yuki nagato, but Proffessor Mcgonnagall is giggling. Luna passes him in the hall and looks at his hair, concerned. "SNAPE, what happened?!" Snape smiles at Luna, and says "Yuki nagato happened. She styled my hair!" Luna marches up to yuki and says "YUKI, what the fuck did you do to snape-sama?!" Yuki smiles at luna and starts to sing "The hare hare yukai spell! Nazo nazo… mitai in ni, sekuwa ito ma ina tashi nada, mi neme nodo mek oh yu ne ada…." Luna crosses her arms and spreads a look of disapproval on her face, as she says "Yuki, that's a spell for girls only! Are you insane?!" Yuki smiles "Yes but snape does NOT know. Lets wait till more girls giggle at him!"


End file.
